Tuesday 20 April 2010

‘God wants you to be free of OCD’

A couple of weeks ago, whilst I was starting to relax after having dinner round at friends, I was caught totally by surprise. I found out that my friends wanted me to seek and receive healing and freedom from the OCD from God. My re-action to this was one of fear. I felt extremely threatened.

So, what did they believe God would do, if I did the ‘right’ thing? And why did I re-act the way that I did?

Let's go back to that evening. In answer to a question, I explained that the proposed treatment options being pursued for me, are not cures for OCD, but my hope is that they will enable me to gain further insight and skill at managing the OCD. And that I would then be able to manage it without the need for regular courses of therapy, and hence I would be able to keep myself healthier.

What I did not realise was that this was definitely NOT the right answer. I was told firmly (and to me it seemed very stern as well) that

“God did not bring me back to Himself for me to have a continual battle with OCD. This is not what God wants for me. I need to find out the root cause of the OCD, and to get that dealt with. There are people who can help me identify the root cause and to deal with it. It would be hard, but that these friends would support me through this.”

I’ll translate the above for those readers who are not familiar with fundamental Christian beliefs. “God wants me to go to a Christian counsellor, who by using prayer ministry, in conjunction with counselling techniques, would work with me, to identify the root cause of the OCD. The end result of the counselling would be that God would free me completely of OCD.”

What my friends already knew, but you do not know, is that just over 20 years ago, the leader of a church that I was part of, prayed for me that I would be free of OCD – totally and completely ‘healed’. The flip side of this coin was that as far as the leaders and other members of the church were concerned, the healing took place – I was free of OCD. If I didn't feel free of OCD, it was my fault e.g. I did not have enough faith. Mistakenly, I acted on the belief that I was free of OCD, and a mess ensued – I won’t go over the gory details of this, but it had a profoundly destructive affect on me, emotionally, mentally and spiritually.

I can honestly say that a couple of weeks ago, after the above dialogue, when my friend went to hold me to start praying, I was really, really frightened. I felt extremely threatened. My eyes filled with tears, and my friend noticed and let go of me, and the situation passed.

Without this episode, I already have days when I believe that I am wicked, because I am convinced that I could stop the OCD rituals if I wanted to stop. This is one of the distressing thoughts caused by the OCD. I have to focus on what I have been told: I am not wicked, and that this belief is one of many distressing thoughts that are caused by OCD.

There is no question that my friend had the best of intentions. However, I was left feeling:

• I was not living up to their expectations.
• I did not have sufficient faith.
• I was not good enough.
• I was a failure.
• They would no longer support me, and help me, because I did not meet their expectations. Something that I learned last time round, 20 years ago.
• I was wicked, because God wanted to heal me, and I did not want to be healed.

I felt that I was evil because the thought of not having OCD frightened me so much. I thought surely I should want this healing. I was a ‘sick’, horrible person who wanted to remain ill. I have talked this over with a couple of people. Both of them said the same thing to me, and that has brought me some degree of peace. They understood my re-action. They understood that a life without OCD is currently outside of my comprehension, and that terrifies me. They talked about prayer working hand in hand with the treatment that I am hoping to receive.

I also know that I feel safe being treated by professionals within the NHS. I feel threatened by the thought of 'independent' people treating me. Staff within the NHS have ensured I am safe when I am ill, and in return I trust them. Maybe being well is not actually the scary thing, maybe it is more to do with who works with me to achieve improvement and/or freedom from the OCD. I need to trust those people.

My faith is weak – I know that. Regardless of what we believe, let’s aim to show compassion to others. Let’s aim not to heap even more expectations on other people. Let’s aim to support people unconditionally. Let’s remember that the person we are speaking to is in a different place (spiritually, mentally, emotionally and physically) than we are. Let's remember that just because the other person is in a different place from us, they are not in a lesser place or a worse place, just a different place.

7 comments:

  1. I am so sorry. I don't know what to say :(

    Have you noticed that Jesus when he was resurrected still had his wounds? You have your wounds, I have mine. For me I feel loved unconditionally when someone sees my wounds and seems to love me more because of them, when someone holds me rather than tries to fix me. It is gutting when the opposite happens and I am sorry that it happens so often from Christians :(

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  2. Exactly what Lesley said.

    I get this sometimes, a lot actually from one particular person in my church. Constantly praying for healing. I find it interesting that people do not often say that those with physical illnesses whom God does not heal are evil/sinful.

    Karita x

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  3. Lesley and 'Razzler'

    Thank you - thank you for your support, and your gentle input.

    Thank you for caring.

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  4. and what do they say when someone has cancer? is it their fault? m

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  5. God is present in your trusting of your own judgement. OCD made it very hard for me to trust my own thinking, and I lived in great fear of being "evil" and damned, but with professional treatment, I have the chance to live my life. I just read a good blog post on "So now you know"--http://angelaandluke.blogspot.com/2010/04/scrupulosity-yep-im-going-there.html

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  6. Dear expwoman,

    Thank you so much for the message. It is a huge encouragement to me.

    It is great to have found your blog and 'So now you know' as well. They have provided me with some much needed comfort.

    Very pleased that you found my blog - thank you.

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  7. i feel like god don't give a crap about healing me of ocd because i went to 2 faith healers and got pray for healing and nothing miraculous happened, i get mad at god because i feel like he love watching me suffer

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